angels or devils.

2010-04-18T15:15:00.000+08:00

wait, where was i?

im a big strapping healthy guy, turning twenty-one years old. then it hit that i should go back to school and finish my degree. not for them, but for myself. however, for some obscure reason, i cant seem to mobilize. (though id love to blame it on the inertia). then i think i should go back to gaming professionally but i get into this paranoia whirlpool of who knows what about me.

my mum, for one.

even as a little kid, i worried much about what my classmates would think of me or say to me if i didnt play with them at recess. i remember rather finding someplace out of the way and replaying in my mind the earlier conversations and actions everyone said and did in real time.

to me, i was a writer.

to them, i was a freak. but i hope thats all changed now. i need to get back into the game.

2010-04-08T23:06:00.002+08:00

i know most of you like listening to classical music and you all think that puts you right up there with the angels. but why not try this one on: how about listening to songs written now about now in your own language ( for clarity purposes ) by people who have to live through all these same IRAQ shit ( and BANGKOK, too ), coupled with the whacked-out economy shit we are dealing with right now? not to mention that i have yet to include the family dramas we inevitable have to endure and go through.

yes, you all like listening to mozart composed centuries ago in german ( fuck, its playing right here now at Sing Post coffeebean. talk about coincidence! ) and there's practically no urgency to it.

Not now.

And you all might be going to attend a play at the esplanade with casts in dripping sweat, jumping around (in place) and tangoing with the microphone. you guys are amazing.

do not get me wrong. im not saying with subtlety, that you all are being out of touch. all of you (or at least majority of those i know) are too much of a vampire to be out of it. you all are bloodsuckers. you need fresh 'blood' every single damn day. but im not any better. i have to hook up with the news or i feel uneasy. they call me the old man.

but what i dont get is why go classical...?

ah fuck. i do not know what i am ranting on about anymore. physics is driving me insane.

(this was written halfway through physics at coffeebean. just too lazy to take a photo and upload it)

2010-04-05T01:48:00.002+08:00

growing up, i was pretty much of a good kid. ' a good heart on two legs ' was how my granddad used to describe me to his friends. i just did not have it in my constitution to hurt anyone or disrupt anything. i really didnt. i did fairly well in school, was pretty popular with the girls (and boys), and played some solid softball through high school.

yet of late, i have numbed out and do not really care much about anything. i medicated myself with too much alcohol, too much food, and too much worries - cleverly designed to avoid having to go through the immense pain that one feels at the recognition of one's lost potential.

im sort of coasting on autopilot for a while.

2010-04-03T18:45:00.000+08:00

each of us is born into genius. sadly, many of us just die amid mediocrity. i hope that it doesnt upset you that i reveal this closely held belief so early in our brief time together.

but i know i need to be honest. i have seen so many potential people go without fulfilling their purpose in life. rather depressing i must say, especially coming from a 21 year-old-to-be.

and did i share that i am only an ordinary guy who just happened to be fortunate (or unfortunate, whichever youd like to think) to learn about life through a series of extraordinary events? however, lets not venture there for now.

talk family.

my mom was the greatest person ive ever met. my dad was the most determined person ive ever known. they are what i call, the salt-of-the-earth people. not perfect. but find me someone who is. the main thing about them is that they always did the best they could do, under any circumstances. and in my mind, the best you can do... is all you can do. (no, im not misanthropic. im just being realistic)

to me, once you have put your best foot forward; let all tension cease. go home and have a good night's rest. of course, if you always have trouble sleeping - you can always turn to stilnox. its because worrying about things that are absolutely beyond your control is pointless. just an element for depression and illnesses. think about it. did the previous sentence make total sense? most of the things we concern ourselves with about almost never happen.

and this is, my parents' greatest (only) flaw.

they shaped me in many ways. they didnt have many things to offer me, yet in many ways, they had everything baby max had to learn from. they had absolute resolve. they had the courage of their convictions. they had superb values. and most definitely, they had... self-respect.

i am writing this account under very weird circumstances. my dad last walked this world more than a decade ago and my mum is still very much alive and healthy (cheers to that). but i miss them very much. both of them. not a day goes by that i forget to appreciate these powers-that-be. i am the cause of their upbringing, though i could have been much more of a disciplined, desired child if it wasnt for my stubborness or peer pressure (think, negative influences). i definitely would have been much more successful.

in my quieter moments, i some times reflect on the fact that we generally take the people we love the most for granted. till we lose them. then we take long silent walks at the beach, listening to the waves crashing alone the shorelines, praying for a second chance to treat them the way they deserve to have been treated.

please dont let such regrets be injected into your life. its a haunting apprehension.

trust me, i know this feeling. it happens almost too often to those around us. however, if you are one of those fortunate souls who are blessed enough to still have your parents, honor them. treasure them. and please, do it today.

nevermind that they no longer spoonfeed you. nevermind that they no longer whisper the words 'i love you son', or 'sweetheart, you have done me proud' for that matter. nevermind that your life has nosedived from the highest highs, to nadir. nevermind this. nevermind that.

have an open heart. give in to them. cause somewhere deep down, we matter most to them. they have lived their lives for us.

its time we do the same.

2009-08-17T23:55:00.003+08:00

i read this in the news a couple of days ago about global food production.

i find it kind of funny yet ironically, kind of sad. the recent news show two-thirds of adults in the United States being overweight or obese - and that it continues to grow - leaves me wondering: then why are we all not starving?

experts have predicted that human population would outstrip that of food supply, resulting in a mass famine. no doubt, there are pockets of starvation around ( with celebrities trying to play Mother Mary - dont mind me ), but there are tonnes of food that get plowed underneath us just because there's so much that farmers cant get the price they want. learn economics.

and indeed, its a vicious cycle.

farmers want more income. so they harvest more crops. more crops means more food. and more food only means... more fat people. only cause there is a lot of cheap food around. and thanks to that ( and Americans ), snickers and all alike have decided to downside their chocolate bars ( maybe to reduce production cost, who knows ).

remember the guy who popularised the economic theory of rent - thomas robert malthus? he once said, ''The power of population is indefinitely greater than the power in the earth to produce subsistence for man.'' human population booms while food production lags behind. and this population growth will, sooner or later, get checked by famine and mortality.

it made eminent sense.

yet today, we owe a great deal to the scientists that gave us the Green Revolution and another group that figured how to made bread out of air. yes, you read me right - air. how did adam and eve produce such fine creatures that could create and refine technology so perfectly? till now, i am marvelled by that fact. are you not?

2009-07-27T22:32:00.003+08:00

i have been trudging this boring highway without exits. inevitably, many of us have been forced into such a situation, spending a great deal of our time physically and emotionally isolated, feeling utterly alone.

but have you ever stopped for a minute and think, 'whats waiting for everyone at the end of this journey?' 'why is it that everyone always seem to be in a mad rush, so hurriedly trying to pace against time?' 'isnt it the case where the harder you try to accomplish everything, the faster it leads to death?'

well, that is by far the best conclusion i could come up with; considering the fact that we have all failed to live as we ought to. yup, you read me right. we have all fallen short when it comes to savouring and enjoying our adventure. i for one, grew up way too quickly.

i know, there are somethings in live that we dont know of and cant control. and definitely there are certain immutable truths in this world that maximillian cant talk his way out of. i have probably spent the last twenty years like any other ordinary teenager would have done (less all the vices, of course). i guess now its time ill do something i never really thought id do for the next half of my life.

live in the moment.

ok, i think my depressing tune has sunk in again. but not to worry, i really am ok. i mean, i always am, right? id like to think as i make this journey, i left the world a little better and brighter than when i first found it. and in the midst of it, taking time out to enjoy the view, relishing the first drops of summer rain on my tongue, and spending precious time with that someone special who would cuddle with me before i close this wonderful chapter.

and to all of you, i realise we need to embrace the unpredictable as there always are beauty and hope, even in the most awful circumstances. something we never had the upper hand at. stop wasting the present worrying about the future. solely because instead of waking up tomorrow morning for breakfast ( cerals have been my all time-favourite ), you might find yourself drawn down a long, dark tunnel towards a bright and beautiful white light.

your journey would have come to an end where your entire life just flashes before your eyes. that is when, your time is... up.

2009-07-09T18:19:00.004+08:00

i could never really understand just what it is with people and bolsters.

most people that i know cant sleep without hugging a bolster. its not that they rub themselves against it or anything remotely close to that, but once we have that special someone, bolsters become inconsequential.

bolsters somewhat alleviates that need for someone to hug to sleep at night. first of all, bolsters definitely do not argue. they do not give you insecurities - everynight when you go to bed, you can be certain that your peanuts/mogu/bobo are tucked safely under your sheets.

alright, im not trying to pinpoint anything here but i definitely will not deny that bolsters do make good sleeping partners. however, we must understand there are just some things our bolsters cannot do. bolsters do not have arms that will hug you safely to sleep. neither are bolsters able to give you a goodnight kiss before you close your eyes, whispering those three sweet words into your ears as you slowly drift off to slumberland.

and thats not all.

sometimes your bolsters even end up on the floor when you wake up. in the mornings, bolsters cannot tell you that you look beautiful even though your eyes can barely open, your hair's in a total mess and not to mention, having rancid breath.

having that special someone is just... irreplacable.

2009-07-03T21:06:00.005+08:00

we have grown more accustomed to the different ways of lives.

who goes where and who does what; doesnt really matter much anymore does it? i choose to believe we, mankind, are creatures of habit. once we delve deep into the likes and characteristics of one, we find ourselves struggling to create another persona.

ill let you in on a secret. i grew up sucking my thumb like all babies do. only thing was i didnt stop till i hit primary 5. the process of quitting was painstaking - like you're suddenly deprived of something so vital to you. sure, the rottans were definitely a way to deter me from sticking my germ-filled thumb into the blackhole. but whenever mum or dad was not around, subconciously, i would relapse back into the 6 year-old kid i always thought i was.

that old lady of mine would spell out all the drawbacks from indulging in that form of action. bugged-tooth, bacteria ( esp for my weak immune system ), sagging skin on the thumb, irregular bloodflow to the thumb, yadayada. she never knew the pleasures of it ( now ladies, dont get me wrong ).

jack did.

yes, jack. my imaginary friend since forever till he decided never to appear one morning. jack knew me. jack knew how i would give up my world (then) to just hug my bolster and suck my thumb to sleep. it has been many years and im definitely past that childhood phase of mine. thinking back, had mummy not delibrately made me stop sucking ( no, i cant find another more apt way of writing this ), id be ostracised today. i know i will be.

the society will not condone such behaviours - not for the right minds. no, not for the elites.

but the question is...why?

2008-07-21T14:24:00.003+08:00

we have probably dreamed of being a hero; scoring the last minute goal that ends 50 years of hurt, or even diving to save a child from an oncoming bus. it has inevitably made some of us want to be somebody great.

but as age catches up with us and some of us become more knowledgable, we know it is physically impossible to be the next superman, batman or even wonderwoman. thats when we become realistic and try to achieve something that is within our grasp.

i can still vividly remember the time of my gruelling training program - track and field. no wine, no sex; where salad and meals with protein were the norm. to top it, trainings were twice a day and the heat was just unbearable. fatigue sets in and your vision gets blurry - you feel like giving up and yet you know you cant. you have already come thus far.

and when the day finally comes and your name is being called out over the PA. your heart starts to pump faster and you get excited. the adreanaline rush. the eagerness to just go out there and witness how much you have improved. and as you walk out to the track, the crowd roars and your friends cheer. just when you thought your heart rate was at it maximum, it upped again - and you can hear the beating ringing in your ears.

and when the gun goes 'bang', thats when you know its just the beginning.

2008-07-17T18:54:00.002+08:00

As i watch, the waves from the shore look fun and almost innocent as they crest and then crash over on another. I can almost taste the salt in the air and watch little rainbows glisten through the prisms of the ocean's spray. The warm ocean water towards the shore is covered with ...

Wait, it is no more than just my little imagination. Over the past months, things have been happening for no rhyme or reason, absolutely no rhythm to its madness. Some worthy of us spending a few moments to savour the stupidity of the situation and yet some just a complete waste of time. It is my fourth week in Safti MI - Officer Cadet School and I am starting to get a feel the process of being an officer.

No doubt my knowledge of being a great officer is subtle, i am positive through all these gruelling training sessions and punishments will we be accustomed and prepared for the challenges up ahead. Call me an enthusiast, whatever, but i am trying to have a sanguine disposition to prepare myself for the next 8 months. Yes, you heard me; 8 months.

However in the course of serving my National Service, I have learned about and understood the behaviour of many people - some to my great amazement. There are those who forsake the logical and objective debate, more often than not, opting rather for emotions, generalizations and accusation.

'' I am not working with him because he... "
" Why do we have to do this when they... ''
'' It has to be him cause he was the last to... ''

And I am sure there's more to come.

2007-12-07T17:27:00.000+08:00

i dont really know my father but he always knew exactly what was expected of him. my father was a brilliant father and - here's the killer - he didnt even have to be there to be a brilliant father.

'wait until your father gets home' was enough to get me to behave. his name just had to be evoked by my mother and suddenly i understood all i needed to know about being a good boy. he turned on me, eyes blazing, and for a moment i thought that he was going to hit me. he had never laid a finger on me in my life. but there's always a first time.

wait until your father gets home, she told me. and the mere mention of my father was enough a reason to make everything in the universe fall into place. that was how brilliant my father was.

but you dont hear that threat so much today. how many women ( or mothers ) actually say, wait until your father gets home now? not many. because these days there are some fathers that are home all the time. and there are some fathers that never come home.

2007-09-25T14:44:00.000+08:00

Someone just turned off the light, and it couldn't get any darker than this. Our lives have just gotten pitch black with a 'click', but it wasn't just any simple darkness of night befalling or overclouding above our heads. We heard noises. I heard possible losses.

Losing what many would have taken for granted and never thought they would lose.

And then my heart grew heavy and my mind went blank. What is going to become of me? And what is going to become of everyone around me. I reminisce about the past, whine about the present and cry for the future. Just what is going to happen? People come and go and love walks right out the door the minute you leave that door unlocked. Not literally, of course.

You feel and think about how unfair life has been. Life IS unfair. Who said its not? And if it wasn't, there wouldnt be this wedge driving the rich and poor apart. There wont be the healthy gloating with the weak suffering. And if life is fair, you won't see where many of us are today. Life, indeed is unfair, but the irony of it all is that when you actually sit down and start giving thought to what life really is all about, time tend to swift past no slower than you can gulp down that cup of warm milk before bed time. There's so much to life that we all tend to overlook, and there's so much to this overlooking that we neglect. Search deep down your soul and question.
Just what is worth dying for?

LOVE. No more no less. Just love.

No doubt in my quest to know of love is subtle, i've found a treasure that i wont truly trade for anything in this world, and you ask me whether iv'e truly loved before, why don't you take some time off to reflect on whether YOU have truly loved before. Of course, i must point out - my idea of love is not limited to romantic love and pure lovemaking. Sadly, most people around me could only blatantly associate love with what they feel for their spouses or whom they are infatuated/lusted with.

Ultimately, whether we like it or not, or whether its served on a platter, the sum of our lives are pretty much determined (or some would argue, pre-determined) by who we love and who it is that love us. Regardless of how you feel, you know deep down someone loves you or at least once did or even tried to. We are made to love, my dear friends.

Yes, you read me right. We are not made to work for material things that would surely perish. (though a little extra cash always come in handy) These material things are necessary to make-do with life but they do not wrap up our PURPOSE in life. The concept of self is always minimal and negligible in the one that knows the fullness of love for the strength of love can empower and bring its incredible extraordinary spirit onto any individual who is willing.

Don't get me wrong, i'm not pulling any of you into religion but before we stop and criticize individuals who have fallen out of love or souless beings who have lost all hope in affection, i do hope we know exactly where we are coming from.

Afterall, love is not about possessing. if we want what we want, thats wanting, not loving.

Sure, i dont really understand the whys of love. It's just something so magical. There is indeed so much to know about love and so much for love to find its way to us, but do bear in mind that love knows the meaning of delaying gratification intimately. There is the highest and lowest point, the very beginning and end of what love can achieve. I am very fortunate to learn of love through great experiences. No doubt some of these experiences are not all too pleasant, at least they were experiences.

Go dwell upon it well and come to a conclusion of your own for love can be subjective. very subjective, but if you really would beg to differ and are convicted by your thoughts that would prove otherwise, then settle it with a private discourse with me. Afterall, i would love to know what all nineteen of you think, as much as i want to know what i know is proven wrong.

As cliche as can be 'in every cloud there is a silver lining' and 'after the rain comes the sun' yada yada, you get me. Even if love gets sifted away in the process of growing up, you all do know, as long as we're true to one another, nothing beats having close friends you can really count on.

2007-08-30T20:39:00.000+08:00

i couldnt agree more with this title i chanced upon few days ago, 'teenagehood is one of the hardest transitions of life to go through.

it definitely is not so much because it is intrinsically more demanding than all the other stages of life but more so because it comes when we are mentally and emotionally inexperienced. In light of this, we teenagers need steady social relations that provide a smooth process of socialisation - to help us deal with our responsibilities and rights.

being teenagers, in us lies the child which seem to have been cast away, as these childish ways of ours have brought much distraught to the people all around us, hurting our loved ones in the process. inevitably, we're all forced to chuck aside this side of ours and face the stage of growing up.

everybody eventually grows up, at one point or another.

myself included - and in this process of growth, i have learned ( and still am learning ) valuable lessons that none other living thing will be able to impart or even, will it to me. no doubt through this transition in life am i opened up to a frightening plethora of challenges with a paucity of assistance, but i am convinced through all these mistakes and hard knocks in life that we teenagers face will, to differing degrees, gear us up for something bigger, something grander.

many of my peers ( not forgetting yours truly ) are victimised under the hands of the 'wicked' education system. a system that has inevitable dragged us into this rat race - forcing us to 'kill' our fellow classmates and peers on pen and paper ( rather than on the battlegrounds ) through this meritocrate system. No, its not so much about me resisting against education vociferously but rather how that in this time and age, it is no longer about having zilch qualifications with only sheer bravado and street smartness. our society has conformed to this idea of possesing the competent behaviour and eagerness to strive for a viable career or lifestyle option.

therein lies our parents' mantra: 'study hard for your future; thats all you are required to do for now.' look here uncles and aunties, do not extenuate the difficulties we teenagers are in as time has changed and it no longer is how it used to be decades ago. just take some time off and spend a few minutes observing the on-going 'trend' of the people around you - only then will you get what i am trying to bring across. our pace of lives has quickened and we've all succumb and fallen victim to the repurcussions of technology. without a doubt technology has in a way, mollycoddled our lives, make it 'easier' and more 'adaptable'. But as much competition the adults gets in return in this time of information; it must come to their understanding that we - children, are not spared from this vicious cycle either.

it is indeed lucid and evident that teenagers are facing an ever-increasing pressure from all external factors and that it has no longer become as easy to graduate with ease was it was for our older siblings, and some - parents. remember how a degree would suffice in guaranteeing us a well-paid job? and yet now, a degree WITH honours is not much of a biggie. without a doubt, the benchmark has risen unprecedentedly and we teenagers, just happen to be the next in line waiting to be enslaved.

2007-08-01T22:08:00.000+08:00

and when he finally thought there was a glimmer of hope. all was lost.

and he started walking away, back to where he first came from.
he hated that perfect stranger.

2007-07-12T12:13:00.000+08:00

i remember vividly scribbling over my notes a few months ago when i still had the grasp for something greater - expect no more than what you can achieve. then it hit on me just minutes into my physics lesson therein lies the most terrible flaw any mankind has ever made or even noticed.

i can still recall the times when the voices circling around my head echoed the words 'give up, max' when i almost reached nadir. as much as i longed for the easy way out, i decided to perservere. no, i didnt want to settle comfortably amongst the losers. no, i didnt want to settle for something lesser than what i can achieve. i think im made for something better. i think some of my friends are made for something better. not all, some.

but i realised, everytime i expect - the disappointment is always greater, no less.

its not that we cant push ourselves and reached for the stars. its not that we cant pass the finish line in the shortest possible time. but because we're only humans and only want to fit in nicely. we're all just too lazy to go that extra mile. someone once told me - 'do your best in whatever you undertake, else you can just save the effort. ' for you and i both know, as much as it makes sense, majority of us behave otherwise.

and the past few days were no exception for me.

not that i didnt predict my performances, but i guess i should have just known better. its not so much about the imperfection or flaws that im constantly rambling about.

its really about something good gone wrong.

kudos to those that truly perservere - my idols than to those ordinary of the ordinary. and you tell me to count my lucky stars, id give you no less than to what i can do. its just fate. its just fate yadayada. and at times you really wonder who are the true ones that are there to support you. and oh! the piece of paper that possesed the 8 words were being striked out. instead, it read...

dont expect - you never know what shit might actually come your way.

2007-07-05T23:53:00.000+08:00

ok, lets exercise a little bit of effort and put our thinking caps on - a change for once, at least.

sometimes, you just have to walk away. i know, we all hate to fail, hate to give in, hate to give up and that we love the challenge of life and want to keep on until whatever we are trying to 'win' has been overcomed, vanquished, beaten, won. but at times, it just aint gonna happen and we need to learn to recognize those moments, learn how to philosophically shrug and walk away with our pride intact and our dignity held high. afterall - its not your fault on your part.

sometimes you really want to do something and yet it is unrealistic. instead of knocking yourself out, cultivate the art of walking away and youll find that things will seem a lot less stressful. my friend, if a relationship is coming to an end, instead of playing out long and complicated - AND potentially harmful - end games, learn the art of walking away.

if its dead, leave it.

this really isnt a rule that ought to be in the relationship manual or a guide for dummies - its here because it is for you, to protect you and stop any unnecessary nonsense id say. this has nothing to do with 'them' but it all has to do with you. YES, you. if its dead, dont go digging it up every fifteen minutes to check if there is a pulse.

its dead, walk away.

you may want to get even - dont get mad, just walk away. this certainly is much better than getting even because it shows you have risen above whatever it is that has driven you crazy. and there cant be no better way of getting even than to ignore something so completely that it can be left behind. you can cry, but just walk away.

i can go on forever and try to talk more sense into you. but that my friend, will be never-ending. therefore, just let go and walk away - show youre exercising control and that you have good decision-making powers. not just any irrational thinking or immature behaviour. you are certainly making your own choice than letting the situation control you.

yes, it really is dead. walk away.

2007-06-19T15:52:00.000+08:00

we've driven past and grown beyond the melancholy stage - all accustomed and ready for something grander, something more noteworthy.

but when you hear your own name being called out in the wilderness with tags attached to you like aunties with gucci handbags, you know something's not right. cause when i last heard my name - hey max. and the next i knew, i was lying on the floor. i felt faint. i was wasted.

2007-06-09T16:41:00.000+08:00

its good to be idle - to celebrate the laziness and to attack the work culture of the western world, which has enslaved, demoralized and depressed many of us. people think its a waste of time to do absoultely close to nothing, but little did they know doing nothing is actually hard work. This is because we are constantly surrounded by people who want to make us do work.

being idle is about being free, and not just being free from choosing between McDonalds and Burger King, or even Paragon from Takashimaya. Its about being free to live the life we want to lead, free from bosses, wages, commuting, consuming and debt. Its also about being free from restrictions and lies you hear everyday. Being idle is all about pleasure, fun and joy.

maybe its time we all stand up on our own feet and not be piggybacked. for one day, who knows what might come our way and we'll then be entitled to slavery - entitled to a lifetime of sufferings.

2007-06-07T23:43:00.000+08:00

the light's fading and darkness falls upon. fatigue digs in and voices all start to fade. you gasp badly for air but the harder you try, the more you realise its only to your disadvantage. your life then starts to flash pass you, relieving you of the happy moments and terrorizing you with the bad. you then wish your life would just come to an end, there and then and spare you from all the two-fortys. you pray and pray, pray so hard that beloved God would just do you some justice.

sure, life's never fair. it never was. you could very well be in your nadir the next half of your life while the scumbags that resorted to dirty means are out there lavishing and being a prodigal. and again, you wished this had not happened. if only life was fair and freed from all these inequity.

thats what a huge portion of us are currently facing - indulging in self pity. theyll let the whole world know how hurt or devastated they can be and wishing they would be able to gain some sympathy in the process. little did they realise that others feel and want the same and that leaves no one to care about their own sad pathetic life. little did they realise how magnificient our lives can be, nor did they manage to apprehend the fact that what doesnt break you only makes you stronger.

and of course, the favourite sentence your mother, grandma or even your best friend would have told you before while you were busy munching on your excessive calorie intake dinner or blankly staring at the television. 'one door closes, another opens'. heed that advice. who knows, ladyluck might just be outside your door.

and so for all the desperate hearts tonight, hold your head high and look ahead. the road's never that far-stretching and boring - there are many exits along the way. it depends on which route youd want to take. so if things dont go your way, dont fret for your life's only just beginning.

and i cant believe i just spent twenty minutes typing this.

2007-05-04T15:56:00.000+08:00

wouldnt it be much easier if you got a letter in the mail when you were seventeen ( which i dont and im turning eighteen ), signed by someone who had a direct pipeline to ultimate meaning in life, telling you exactly who you are and what your true destiny is?

then you could carry this letter around in your pocket, with you every single second. and when you got confused or distracted and suddenly feel all melted down, youd reach for your wallet and grab the letter and read it again and go "oh, yes".

it beats the purpose of idling around and waiting for light to shed on us. if youd ask me, i dont know where ill be - 10 years down the road.

2007-05-02T16:14:00.000+08:00

i gave myself some timeoff school today and headed home early. the coughs and the sneezes sure did not have any remedy yet i started to thank god for everything that has happened throughout the years. i came across the escapism for many and all thats been said or screamed at and noticed the amount of criticisms, lies, hatred residing amongst all of them.

we all have to learn our lessons early. we all know that. and i personally had to blunder through my old world for a tenth of a century before it even began to dawn upon me that ninety-nine times out of a hundred, people dont criticise themselves for anything - regardless how wrong it may be.

then i realised. criticism is futile because it puts a person on the defensive side and usually makes him strive to justify himself. criticism is dangerous, because it wounds a person's precious pride, hurts his sense of importance, and arouses resentment.

we all know that yet many still do it. why?

2007-04-28T16:08:00.000+08:00

but im no slacker. you cant fault me for not trying. my definition of a slacker is someone who thinks all jobs suck and isnt going to lift a finger. i would happily work sixteen-hours days if only i knew what it is i should be doing. i am what they call, all-too-desperate, to find my song in life. im not like the others my age out there who should be enjoying life and i panicked some time ago when i realised there isnt one (song) out there for me. no, i didnt expect it to be easy. but i sure wanted an answer.

but that was the max long ago. the max now just seems so aimless. i enjoy such a life. sure, but i need a direction in life. i really do. before i fade off into the background and become a nobody.

2007-04-24T22:16:00.000+08:00

tongues swagger faster than you can take a splendid photo. you look at the evergrey sky and wonder just how much association is there with life and all your surroundings. you tried so hard to focus on all the small little details with the wayward wind gently brushing against your skin. your blood streams thru the very vein of yours and your heart thumping continously.

you feel faint.
you feel weak.
you feel as though youre dying.

then you know for sure, our lives are already coming to an end.

2007-04-01T21:52:00.000+08:00

the last stroke left us all dazzled.

its like a first attempt at something youre not even sure of. its like stepping into a whole new zone. some call it crossing boundaries. some call it a new experience. whereas others love to term it as just an excuse from escaping from reality.

now its your turn to tell me how scary it feels to be me. and here i am killing all my brain cells, just trying to be a better man - for one, for all.

for six.

2007-04-01T14:46:00.000+08:00

As much as ive always wanted to pen my feelings down at those very exact moments, my thoughts are no less than the chairs and tables left in disarray. nevermind us being outspoken by international peers. nevermind that no-smell durians are being grown. and nevermind that maids are getting only 250 calories of food a day only.

but how possibly can a classic extrovert tango with a dedicated homebody? its like tigers going vegetarian. ludicrously moronic. then it hit me that i once scribbled something about chalk and cheese and its non-existant connection. sure, there's over a million and one things going on at this point of time. but certain memories are still etched close to your heart and mind - as much as you dont want them to.

pleasant, unpleasant. memorable. unmemorable. gone. wasted. maybe that knock on my leg was a good wake up call, minus the scar of course. how else am i going parading in such a condition now? jeans maybe. and i certainly do miss all my homies.

2007-03-20T22:33:00.000+08:00

when you start giving thought to what life really is about, time tend to swift pass no slower than you can gulp down that cup of milk. come to think about it, im no less than your overstatement. i really didnt come this far for you to make it this hard for me. and now you can ask me 'how' and 'why'? tell me your thoughts on god. then maybe id understand. but one thing's for sure, were no longer who we used to be.

there are some things that id like to figure out, and there are some things i cant do without. like you and you alone, and the people that were never friends. with all the things you could be, you never could learn how to be. and when im finally done with thinking, then im finally done with you.

thats cause like chalk and cheese, sometimes you just cant lump everything together thinking that theyre all the same. sometimes you realise how antagonizing it could be to love, and realise how stupid life could get but could never do a thing about it. as much as id like to say no, i suppose lifes all predestined. and i guess im just perfectly understated with raw emotions and everything inbetween.

a real life situation at this exact moment between my brother and his wife. im feeling so helpless that perhaps you could tell me exactly what to do. make it or break it, of course at the expense of a little girl that happily turned one just days back. we humans are nothing but a form of contradiction. we wage wars and we make love, simultaneously.

2007-02-09T18:59:00.000+08:00

and if you thought previous words were harsh enough
'fuck off' sure didnt have any remedy.

2006-12-14T14:16:00.000+08:00

words like dagger to my heart, left me all in pain.
' get lost '.

2006-12-07T22:26:00.000+08:00

things have been nothing but shadows of a dream. subconscious with the feeling of strange sensations, somewhat unconscious yet relaxed. it felt as though ive had my life on contemporary hold - with everything that just stood still for the minutes. what a pleasant nightmare i've been experiencing.

ive been happy, more often than not over the past few days but as quickly as it started, it disappeared. no, im not rattling on about the tune of my misery nor am i complaining of the oily youtiao at dinner. its just the fact it dawned upon me that after all these that has happened, i havent found the exact sole reason to be happy from within.

the blazing sounds aware, as we slowly pit through the lonesome night. just how much connections can there be between and within each other. our voices fade, our eyes closed - we're all anxious for rest.

with emotions coarsing through my very veins as time passes me by, i honestly wonder how much do we actually know about ourselves and how much we think we know about others. as i stare through the starry night with the skeletons still in my closet, the silent breeze of wind suddenly seems so alive.

its been of sometime since i last sat on this swing i grew up with. having forgotten how relaxing it used to feel just swinging to the wayward wind and listening to the screeching sounds from it. it then occured to me that its not so much about the imperfection or flaws we're all constantly rambling about but its just something good gone wrong.

a little too much for one's imagination id say. then again, its also the one that streams through the blood that passes through our physical form. such contradictions of human life.

haha, here i am on my swing just hoping for some miracle to happen. sins, take it all away.

2006-11-02T23:06:00.000+08:00

the screeching tyres. the busting glass.

the music playing from the speakers. no words, no lyrics yet so much emotions. piano pieces are without doubt one of the best kinds ive heard, ever. theres so much we all can relate to.

the only light im getting is the glare from this computer screen and im wondering how much things have happened over the past months. maybe just weeks. we're not really living through so much trouble. we just think we are.

and if you ask me, i so cant wait for university.
but to run, i must first learn to walk - chinese a's. here i come.

2006-10-24T22:57:00.000+08:00

for that matter, ive yet, given up another chance.

many once asked me whats the best route for them to take, whats in store for them. as much as id like to delude myself and the others by depicting a fairytale, all im capable of is to show them my pathetic lifepath.

sure, they say a picture paints a thousand words. but the fine line between agression and affection is something so misleading. and off we go, to see our marching band. towards the soft string that dangles, we all need our oneway ticket.

and if you can find me a trumpet that talks, ill show you what this is all about.

2006-10-09T11:19:00.000+08:00

lifes just a one way street.

in addition to what our beloved always tell us - one door closes, another open. pretty exciting a quote that id definitely second to. however nonsensical it sounds and however cliche it is, im trying all ways just to indulge in it.

it simply means if you dont find happiness here, move on. if you dont get what you want, move on. as much as youd want people to feel for you, they do too. so that practically leaves no one crying for you or your own sad pathetic life. minus the fact that should you get smashed right smack in your face, the angels will all start to tear.

but really, is it worth the sacrifice?
im getting out of the car and telling the rest, theyre all heading in the wrong direction before a collision really occur.

2006-10-03T23:47:00.000+08:00

happy birthday.
and yet i dont feel the excitement.

im seventeen. deal with it, life goes on.
anyhow, many thanks to the 743 sms-es you all sent out.
and the bad thing is i didnt get to reply all.
regardless, hearts.

2006-09-28T22:29:00.000+08:00

after all these, we're back to where we first came.

despite the arrival of the yearly promotional exams with frantic minds spotted easily at every corner of my eyes, ive reached nadir. my thoughts are fractious and yes, mental blocks have been frequent of late. im quite ashamed of myself really, or so to speak. its like they constantly remind me of the importance to study, yet i can push it all off with a laugh - 'its ok, its just be in 07s26.' yes, an additional year of education.

seriously, i think i need a wake up call.

exams and revision aside, i just walked the roads that linked our homes. i toured the street we once did. and i sat at the same stone chair i always do, piercing through your windows. everything looks the same, cept for one. youre no longer there.

i always thought i had the upper hand at things. this time round however, i felt undermined.

2006-09-15T20:25:00.000+08:00

Broken promises are like shards of glass piercing thru your soft smooth skin. despite the healing, the scars remain.

people tell me how much of a blockhead i could be. ive only come to terms with them just not too long ago and as quietly the ticking of the raindrops, i realised youre like the air to me.

i took you for granted, i didnt realise you were even there. but the minute you decided to leave me, i know i will die. and i think ive fallen in love with cliche terms. however corny they sound, youd only see heads in agreement.

the skeletons in my closet. something youll never learn about.

2006-09-12T23:41:00.000+08:00

nothing's like it used to be.
if theres something i could so bad,

turn back the hands of time.

and before everyone starts tearing me apart.
somebody, prescribe me antidepressants.

and why can everyone else around me seem so happy?

2006-09-10T22:17:00.000+08:00

dont dream. its over.

i always thought id never truly understand how its like falling in love. it always used to be the concoction of fun and warmth and everything's not. but after so many months of hard effort trying to take the first step out of the box,

ive finally been drawn and pulled back. by this stupid thing called love.
and stupid really, i thought i moved on.

2006-09-09T05:42:00.000+08:00

if youd ask me, the seabreeze at eastcoast sure is good.

it gets you thinking but i guess at times, to do the total opposite just isnt right. at this particular point of time, my mind's just simply drained. goodnight.

2006-09-09T00:40:00.000+08:00

if you all think you know it better, its all yours. i always reckon action speaks louder than words.

you all claim youve lifes to live and work to do. how about the rest? check out my schedule before making false accusations. and if you dont like what you see, then shut your hole or just lick my shoe.

and when i say im pissed, i seriously do mean im pissed. bottomline, dont.. and i do mean, dont, get me started.

2006-09-08T00:56:00.000+08:00

two ways. one, ive finally failed the lord. or two, i never once did please him.

its like the time of the month where everything at once seem to be on the downhill it practically feels like youre choking on a furball. however trivial all these can be, it sure leaves you gasping for air - wishing youd just die there and then.

i cant seem to piece my thoughts together. call it my 45th depressing tone but i certainly wish theres more than to those that bite my feet. everything's a mess. friends, problems, exams, council, and all the itsy bitsy nonsense lying all around. its so bad i swear you could just shaft a gun up my throat and bust my brains out.

honestly, id be more than happy.

2006-09-07T00:26:00.000+08:00

you dont actually call it a private blog should you have your link lined up on purpose. its called attracting attention. no wait. i dont even know what im saying.

and everyone me seems sad lately and i honestly dont know how to go about cheering each individual up. however corny it sounds but if only i could heal the world . i dont know how many of you in the slightest mind recall me saying 'ill want to leave this world a little better than when i first came'.

lord knows how long more i have and im still stuck at route 69. i cant even take my life in control and yet im desperately trying so hard to play peacemaker. go on, laugh at me. laugh at my endless stupidity.

ha, how i wished i got stinged in the heart.

2006-09-04T20:25:00.000+08:00

after all that that has happened, i cant help but feel the stupidity in me.

i always did believe in fairytales. i always did.

2006-09-02T07:14:00.000+08:00

the echoes in my head and the liquor in my blood. the adrenaline rush that never fails to keep me high up and away.

i just wish at times i could really settle down. for the last thing i never need is an indecisive mind. oh lord, its time you give me a mind of my own to make decisions.

im tired by swaying. im tired by letting people choose and im tired... from all these insecurties. and whatever's to come. im praying lord, that youll be that last person who'll always be here for me.

cause up to now, im hoping my heart beats for the right reason. directions all i need. and however powerful english is, it can never better explain all these phenomenons.

just like how ud always ask your friend, "its for me to turn left, right?" ha, the alcohol and the dance moves. its time for sleep. one last time, drown me in the abundant skies.

2006-08-28T23:26:00.000+08:00

one thing's for sure,

its time i start recording down every single cent ive spent or used up on. cause i cant seem to tally the amount of cash i used.

and now im totally down to zero. mum. PLEASE come back

2006-08-28T22:29:00.000+08:00

the last thing youll ever want in life is to know the people you hold dear to are filled with nothing but lies and more lies.

its like finding out that the pair of legs youve been walking on dont exactly belong to you. im tired of seeing all these conflicts slowly move themselves all around. how big can this social circle actually get?

as much as id like to deceieve myself of the importance i have in all their lives, i know im not in any position to state my rights, but seriously. i reckon you dont just lie to make everything to your own conveniences. yes, the truth hurts but it beats having to cook up a story and getting busted in the end.

if need be, do some self-reflection people. for now, ill just pretend ive never heard anything at all where things enter from one ear and exits thru the other. however much im missing all these people, lies just have got to stop. right here, right now. or at least i could pretend it did.

doesnt kill to be honest, does it?

2006-08-28T00:09:00.000+08:00

its indeed amazing how small this world actually is.

im over and done with accusations. for one, my brain's not bigger than the size of my palm but most of all, ive way better things on hand to adhere to.

and lord here i pray, that you punish those who dont brush their teeth night and day. bless them with teeth decay. now, who says i cant get evil?

2006-08-27T14:09:00.000+08:00

they all make it seem as though its a sin for me.
they all make it seem as though im the one causing all these.
they all make it seem as though i dont feel for the rest.

and they all make it seem as though im condemned for life.
they all they all. but did they all ever spare a thought for me?

2006-08-23T00:35:00.000+08:00

lord, be merciful and rid her of all the pain. the painstaking breaths, the liveless expression. the wrinkles lying visibly upon her flawed pale skin. i just couldnt take an extra sight of it.

call me heartless. call me evil. but i just know she wont last thru the night. its insanely impossible. i saw her son with his hands clenching tight onto hers with tears streaming down his face. the desperate attempts of them trying to keep her awake.

and it striked me. i certainly dont want the same scenario happening to me for its seriously too big a blow to take. now you know the amount of angst i have inside of me. cancer. cancer. cancer.

there's so much i want to say yet words arent capable of penning my thoughts in black and white. and theres so much i need to know. if it does help, rid me and rid all their sufferings.

sins. retributions. hatred. vengence. just what are they?

2006-08-22T00:42:00.000+08:00

the settings and wonderful layout. theres definitely way more than to what you think life's got to offer with me honouring the fact being materialistic is merely a reciprocal of it.

my voice's blown, but nothings changed.
now, who says phonebills never exceed more than 350. just kill me. seriously

2006-08-10T23:13:00.000+08:00

put away our differences. and take away all the promises.

the holidays been a drag and quarrels are everywhere. i need my twocents in it. one thing - i just want to see you dance.

and i still reckon being mr george.w.bush is simply cool.

2006-08-09T23:05:00.000+08:00

dig in my insecurities and youll understand why im behaving the way i do. they all think im doing it for no apparant reason.

whatever it is,
ive blewn my past away. and with that, happy national day.

2006-08-07T22:08:00.000+08:00

the busting noises. the insecurities.

somewhere in me still cant accept the fact you actually did once choose him. i need my national day remedy. and i want to fly high up with the fireworks.

red white red white red. and ill safely tell you the devil thats burning inside of me.

2006-08-05T23:08:00.000+08:00

the aftereffects of redwine mixed with hardliquor is just so wrong.

the dance moves. the loud banging music. the luminous flashlights. so much till im missing my old clubbing cliques too. we're all running away from our sins. we're all escaping death.

i fell so hard when you first left. but now, im happier than ever.
trust me.

2006-08-01T23:01:00.000+08:00

my lifes still on contemporary hold.

and they all ask me why i change my skin and speak in such a delibrate equivocal manner. i tell them it doesnt really matter for its the superficial we all see and the beyond most of us neglect.

with errands aplently and my to-do list not remotely close to being accomplished, you know why im abstaining from all the affairs of the heart. at least singlehood does has it plus points.

maybe next time.

2006-07-31T22:11:00.000+08:00

my hearts so frail its your to burn or break.

the scratches are representative of the hurt and pain inside. a never ending situation id say. but at least, im living with a lighter heart and ahem to that. to hell with those who think they know it all and to heart are those who make the fall.

and now my body's aching all over so bad, i wished there was a masseur right here right now. and its time i start organising my own life. i need your twocents worth badly. heh

2006-07-29T23:52:00.000+08:00

with so many commitments on hand,
my life still feels as aimless as ever.

i think im suffering from mental breakdown. and my friends all tell me to take everything with a lighter heart. with hopes held lower ill probably withstand the fall. i guess she's right. its time i start living for myself. selfish's the word.

regardless of whats to happen, im glad though, my life ever had you all.

2006-07-25T00:08:00.000+08:00

i absolutely hate the world and especially all those around me. i hate it i hate it i hate it.

give me back my old life. i fucking want it right now. and this song is all ive left to offer.

~~iwantyou~~