wait, where was i?

im a big strapping healthy guy, turning twenty-one years old. then it hit that i should go back to school and finish my degree. not for them, but for myself. however, for some obscure reason, i cant seem to mobilize. (though id love to blame it on the inertia). then i think i should go back to gaming professionally but i get into this paranoia whirlpool of who knows what about me.

my mum, for one.

even as a little kid, i worried much about what my classmates would think of me or say to me if i didnt play with them at recess. i remember rather finding someplace out of the way and replaying in my mind the earlier conversations and actions everyone said and did in real time.

to me, i was a writer.

to them, i was a freak. but i hope thats all changed now. i need to get back into the game.

i know most of you like listening to classical music and you all think that puts you right up there with the angels. but why not try this one on: how about listening to songs written now about now in your own language ( for clarity purposes ) by people who have to live through all these same IRAQ shit ( and BANGKOK, too ), coupled with the whacked-out economy shit we are dealing with right now? not to mention that i have yet to include the family dramas we inevitable have to endure and go through.

yes, you all like listening to mozart composed centuries ago in german ( fuck, its playing right here now at Sing Post coffeebean. talk about coincidence! ) and there's practically no urgency to it.

Not now.

And you all might be going to attend a play at the esplanade with casts in dripping sweat, jumping around (in place) and tangoing with the microphone. you guys are amazing.

do not get me wrong. im not saying with subtlety, that you all are being out of touch. all of you (or at least majority of those i know) are too much of a vampire to be out of it. you all are bloodsuckers. you need fresh 'blood' every single damn day. but im not any better. i have to hook up with the news or i feel uneasy. they call me the old man.

but what i dont get is why go classical...?

ah fuck. i do not know what i am ranting on about anymore. physics is driving me insane.

(this was written halfway through physics at coffeebean. just too lazy to take a photo and upload it)

growing up, i was pretty much of a good kid. ' a good heart on two legs ' was how my granddad used to describe me to his friends. i just did not have it in my constitution to hurt anyone or disrupt anything. i really didnt. i did fairly well in school, was pretty popular with the girls (and boys), and played some solid softball through high school.

yet of late, i have numbed out and do not really care much about anything. i medicated myself with too much alcohol, too much food, and too much worries - cleverly designed to avoid having to go through the immense pain that one feels at the recognition of one's lost potential.

im sort of coasting on autopilot for a while.

each of us is born into genius. sadly, many of us just die amid mediocrity. i hope that it doesnt upset you that i reveal this closely held belief so early in our brief time together.

but i know i need to be honest. i have seen so many potential people go without fulfilling their purpose in life. rather depressing i must say, especially coming from a 21 year-old-to-be.

and did i share that i am only an ordinary guy who just happened to be fortunate (or unfortunate, whichever youd like to think) to learn about life through a series of extraordinary events? however, lets not venture there for now.

talk family.

my mom was the greatest person ive ever met. my dad was the most determined person ive ever known. they are what i call, the salt-of-the-earth people. not perfect. but find me someone who is. the main thing about them is that they always did the best they could do, under any circumstances. and in my mind, the best you can do... is all you can do. (no, im not misanthropic. im just being realistic)

to me, once you have put your best foot forward; let all tension cease. go home and have a good night's rest. of course, if you always have trouble sleeping - you can always turn to stilnox. its because worrying about things that are absolutely beyond your control is pointless. just an element for depression and illnesses. think about it. did the previous sentence make total sense? most of the things we concern ourselves with about almost never happen.

and this is, my parents' greatest (only) flaw.

they shaped me in many ways. they didnt have many things to offer me, yet in many ways, they had everything baby max had to learn from. they had absolute resolve. they had the courage of their convictions. they had superb values. and most definitely, they had... self-respect.

i am writing this account under very weird circumstances. my dad last walked this world more than a decade ago and my mum is still very much alive and healthy (cheers to that). but i miss them very much. both of them. not a day goes by that i forget to appreciate these powers-that-be. i am the cause of their upbringing, though i could have been much more of a disciplined, desired child if it wasnt for my stubborness or peer pressure (think, negative influences). i definitely would have been much more successful.

in my quieter moments, i some times reflect on the fact that we generally take the people we love the most for granted. till we lose them. then we take long silent walks at the beach, listening to the waves crashing alone the shorelines, praying for a second chance to treat them the way they deserve to have been treated.

please dont let such regrets be injected into your life. its a haunting apprehension.

trust me, i know this feeling. it happens almost too often to those around us. however, if you are one of those fortunate souls who are blessed enough to still have your parents, honor them. treasure them. and please, do it today.

nevermind that they no longer spoonfeed you. nevermind that they no longer whisper the words 'i love you son', or 'sweetheart, you have done me proud' for that matter. nevermind that your life has nosedived from the highest highs, to nadir. nevermind this. nevermind that.

have an open heart. give in to them. cause somewhere deep down, we matter most to them. they have lived their lives for us.

its time we do the same.