wait, where was i?

im a big strapping healthy guy, turning twenty-one years old. then it hit that i should go back to school and finish my degree. not for them, but for myself. however, for some obscure reason, i cant seem to mobilize. (though id love to blame it on the inertia). then i think i should go back to gaming professionally but i get into this paranoia whirlpool of who knows what about me.

my mum, for one.

even as a little kid, i worried much about what my classmates would think of me or say to me if i didnt play with them at recess. i remember rather finding someplace out of the way and replaying in my mind the earlier conversations and actions everyone said and did in real time.

to me, i was a writer.

to them, i was a freak. but i hope thats all changed now. i need to get back into the game.

i know most of you like listening to classical music and you all think that puts you right up there with the angels. but why not try this one on: how about listening to songs written now about now in your own language ( for clarity purposes ) by people who have to live through all these same IRAQ shit ( and BANGKOK, too ), coupled with the whacked-out economy shit we are dealing with right now? not to mention that i have yet to include the family dramas we inevitable have to endure and go through.

yes, you all like listening to mozart composed centuries ago in german ( fuck, its playing right here now at Sing Post coffeebean. talk about coincidence! ) and there's practically no urgency to it.

Not now.

And you all might be going to attend a play at the esplanade with casts in dripping sweat, jumping around (in place) and tangoing with the microphone. you guys are amazing.

do not get me wrong. im not saying with subtlety, that you all are being out of touch. all of you (or at least majority of those i know) are too much of a vampire to be out of it. you all are bloodsuckers. you need fresh 'blood' every single damn day. but im not any better. i have to hook up with the news or i feel uneasy. they call me the old man.

but what i dont get is why go classical...?

ah fuck. i do not know what i am ranting on about anymore. physics is driving me insane.

(this was written halfway through physics at coffeebean. just too lazy to take a photo and upload it)

growing up, i was pretty much of a good kid. ' a good heart on two legs ' was how my granddad used to describe me to his friends. i just did not have it in my constitution to hurt anyone or disrupt anything. i really didnt. i did fairly well in school, was pretty popular with the girls (and boys), and played some solid softball through high school.

yet of late, i have numbed out and do not really care much about anything. i medicated myself with too much alcohol, too much food, and too much worries - cleverly designed to avoid having to go through the immense pain that one feels at the recognition of one's lost potential.

im sort of coasting on autopilot for a while.

each of us is born into genius. sadly, many of us just die amid mediocrity. i hope that it doesnt upset you that i reveal this closely held belief so early in our brief time together.

but i know i need to be honest. i have seen so many potential people go without fulfilling their purpose in life. rather depressing i must say, especially coming from a 21 year-old-to-be.

and did i share that i am only an ordinary guy who just happened to be fortunate (or unfortunate, whichever youd like to think) to learn about life through a series of extraordinary events? however, lets not venture there for now.

talk family.

my mom was the greatest person ive ever met. my dad was the most determined person ive ever known. they are what i call, the salt-of-the-earth people. not perfect. but find me someone who is. the main thing about them is that they always did the best they could do, under any circumstances. and in my mind, the best you can do... is all you can do. (no, im not misanthropic. im just being realistic)

to me, once you have put your best foot forward; let all tension cease. go home and have a good night's rest. of course, if you always have trouble sleeping - you can always turn to stilnox. its because worrying about things that are absolutely beyond your control is pointless. just an element for depression and illnesses. think about it. did the previous sentence make total sense? most of the things we concern ourselves with about almost never happen.

and this is, my parents' greatest (only) flaw.

they shaped me in many ways. they didnt have many things to offer me, yet in many ways, they had everything baby max had to learn from. they had absolute resolve. they had the courage of their convictions. they had superb values. and most definitely, they had... self-respect.

i am writing this account under very weird circumstances. my dad last walked this world more than a decade ago and my mum is still very much alive and healthy (cheers to that). but i miss them very much. both of them. not a day goes by that i forget to appreciate these powers-that-be. i am the cause of their upbringing, though i could have been much more of a disciplined, desired child if it wasnt for my stubborness or peer pressure (think, negative influences). i definitely would have been much more successful.

in my quieter moments, i some times reflect on the fact that we generally take the people we love the most for granted. till we lose them. then we take long silent walks at the beach, listening to the waves crashing alone the shorelines, praying for a second chance to treat them the way they deserve to have been treated.

please dont let such regrets be injected into your life. its a haunting apprehension.

trust me, i know this feeling. it happens almost too often to those around us. however, if you are one of those fortunate souls who are blessed enough to still have your parents, honor them. treasure them. and please, do it today.

nevermind that they no longer spoonfeed you. nevermind that they no longer whisper the words 'i love you son', or 'sweetheart, you have done me proud' for that matter. nevermind that your life has nosedived from the highest highs, to nadir. nevermind this. nevermind that.

have an open heart. give in to them. cause somewhere deep down, we matter most to them. they have lived their lives for us.

its time we do the same.

i read this in the news a couple of days ago about global food production.

i find it kind of funny yet ironically, kind of sad. the recent news show two-thirds of adults in the United States being overweight or obese - and that it continues to grow - leaves me wondering: then why are we all not starving?

experts have predicted that human population would outstrip that of food supply, resulting in a mass famine. no doubt, there are pockets of starvation around ( with celebrities trying to play Mother Mary - dont mind me ), but there are tonnes of food that get plowed underneath us just because there's so much that farmers cant get the price they want. learn economics.

and indeed, its a vicious cycle.

farmers want more income. so they harvest more crops. more crops means more food. and more food only means... more fat people. only cause there is a lot of cheap food around. and thanks to that ( and Americans ), snickers and all alike have decided to downside their chocolate bars ( maybe to reduce production cost, who knows ).

remember the guy who popularised the economic theory of rent - thomas robert malthus? he once said, ''The power of population is indefinitely greater than the power in the earth to produce subsistence for man.'' human population booms while food production lags behind. and this population growth will, sooner or later, get checked by famine and mortality.

it made eminent sense.

yet today, we owe a great deal to the scientists that gave us the Green Revolution and another group that figured how to made bread out of air. yes, you read me right - air. how did adam and eve produce such fine creatures that could create and refine technology so perfectly? till now, i am marvelled by that fact. are you not?

i have been trudging this boring highway without exits. inevitably, many of us have been forced into such a situation, spending a great deal of our time physically and emotionally isolated, feeling utterly alone.

but have you ever stopped for a minute and think, 'whats waiting for everyone at the end of this journey?' 'why is it that everyone always seem to be in a mad rush, so hurriedly trying to pace against time?' 'isnt it the case where the harder you try to accomplish everything, the faster it leads to death?'

well, that is by far the best conclusion i could come up with; considering the fact that we have all failed to live as we ought to. yup, you read me right. we have all fallen short when it comes to savouring and enjoying our adventure. i for one, grew up way too quickly.

i know, there are somethings in live that we dont know of and cant control. and definitely there are certain immutable truths in this world that maximillian cant talk his way out of. i have probably spent the last twenty years like any other ordinary teenager would have done (less all the vices, of course). i guess now its time ill do something i never really thought id do for the next half of my life.

live in the moment.

ok, i think my depressing tune has sunk in again. but not to worry, i really am ok. i mean, i always am, right? id like to think as i make this journey, i left the world a little better and brighter than when i first found it. and in the midst of it, taking time out to enjoy the view, relishing the first drops of summer rain on my tongue, and spending precious time with that someone special who would cuddle with me before i close this wonderful chapter.

and to all of you, i realise we need to embrace the unpredictable as there always are beauty and hope, even in the most awful circumstances. something we never had the upper hand at. stop wasting the present worrying about the future. solely because instead of waking up tomorrow morning for breakfast ( cerals have been my all time-favourite ), you might find yourself drawn down a long, dark tunnel towards a bright and beautiful white light.

your journey would have come to an end where your entire life just flashes before your eyes. that is when, your time is... up.

i could never really understand just what it is with people and bolsters.

most people that i know cant sleep without hugging a bolster. its not that they rub themselves against it or anything remotely close to that, but once we have that special someone, bolsters become inconsequential.

bolsters somewhat alleviates that need for someone to hug to sleep at night. first of all, bolsters definitely do not argue. they do not give you insecurities - everynight when you go to bed, you can be certain that your peanuts/mogu/bobo are tucked safely under your sheets.

alright, im not trying to pinpoint anything here but i definitely will not deny that bolsters do make good sleeping partners. however, we must understand there are just some things our bolsters cannot do. bolsters do not have arms that will hug you safely to sleep. neither are bolsters able to give you a goodnight kiss before you close your eyes, whispering those three sweet words into your ears as you slowly drift off to slumberland.

and thats not all.

sometimes your bolsters even end up on the floor when you wake up. in the mornings, bolsters cannot tell you that you look beautiful even though your eyes can barely open, your hair's in a total mess and not to mention, having rancid breath.

having that special someone is just... irreplacable.